#39: Our In-Laws Are Toxic... How Do We Handle That?

"My husband and I are not sure how to handle a family situation. My in-laws are good parents and grandparents. Physically, they are wonderful--they always have our backs and are there to lend a helping hand, they enjoy spending time with us, they are great with teaching our kids new skills, etc.  Emotional connection is a different story. First, there is the fact that they cannot go deep and have meaningful, connecting, listening and sharing conversations. It's often about food, other people, sports, etc. There's no vulnerability, no talk about feelings, etc.  An even bigger concern is the communication. My in-laws fight with each other a lot (in front of my husband, my children, myself). They use a lot of aggressive communication--yelling, blaming, attacking, gas lighting, etc. It's borderline abusive, and very uncomfortable to be around.  Throughout my husbands recovery, he has learned how significantly these issues impacted him. He would turn to pornography as a way to escape the fighting and numb the pain of it.  Both my husband and I have tried to address these issues. First, we expressed our intentions, and shared that we'd love to create deeper emotional connections with them.  Also, without placing blame, we have shared with them how these things impacted the addiction. We have been honest and direct, no mincing words, but done in a loving, respectful way.  We explained how uncomfortable it makes all of us feel being around their fighting. We even shared how our children are even voicing that they don't want to spend time with them because "they fight all the time" and they're really uncomfortable. We have set boundaries and stated that if the fighting happens in front of us, we will ask them to stop, if it continues then we will remove ourselves or ask them to leave (which we have followed through with). We have even mentioned that we may need to start spending less time with them if need be.  My question is, where do we go from here? We love my in-laws, and value all of the good parts of them. And really, we want to maintain a relationship with them. BUT, I know this behavior is far from harmless. It hurt my husband. It makes me uncomfortable. Now it's hurting my children...my 7 year old literally lays on the floor, crying, saying she doesn't want to be around their fighting and feels really uncomfortable.  Part of us feels that we shouldn't keep our kids (or ourselves) in a bubble, and we need to build up our resiliency and keep setting inner and outer boundaries (and sticking to them)...but another part of us wonders that, if they are unwilling to respect our verbal and even physical boundaries, if maybe it's healthier to limit our time spent with them, and eliminate unsupervised time with our kids since we aren't there to put the boundaries in place.  We wanted to get the experts opinion on the subject. Thanks!" Follow Brannon on instagram @brannon_patrick. If you liked this content then you will also like his other podcast The Betrayed, The Addicted, and the Expert.  For more info, find him at brannonpatrick.com. Tyler is a co-founder lovestrong.com. Check out the Love Strong YouTube Channel for more therapy tips and skills and videos about WHOLEHEARTED living. Instagram: @love.strong.organization or @the.wandering.therapist