#207: When We Try To Have Sex We Both Freeze Up. What Do We Do?
Therapy Brothers - En podkast av Reclaimed Heart
Caller Kat's Question: "My husband has been in recovery from porn addiction for about 4 years now. His addictive behavior has affected me and our relationship in a number of ways over our 12 years together — he has lied, kept secrets, hidden files, and items, given partial disclosures, and attempted to gaslight me many times, so that for the first few years I took on the role of “porn police”, searching his devices and taking charge of accountability. He has also admitted in the past that porn use has caused him to feel less attracted to me and less motivated to initiate healthy sex with me. He also struggles to perform when we do have sex — he gets nervous and self-conscious and needs me to reassure him that I really desire him and am excited to be intimate with him. But years of him taking me for granted, not putting effort into learning and honoring how I enjoy sex, and letting me take on so much responsibility for trying to find healthy intimacy in our marriage have chipped away at my desire and excitement. It’s such a catch-22 — after all the broken trust and betrayal, he truly wants intimacy with me but needs me to perform excitement and desire in order to rebuild our sex life. We’ve made amazing progress over the last couple of years. I feel like we have an intellectual understanding of our challenges and can safely connect to the emotions involved, but when we get in bed together it just all disappears and our brains and bodies are not on the same wavelength. I feel like there are layers of pain, anger, and frustration inside me that are blocking my progress…but it’s difficult to connect with them, I tend to feel numb and hopeless instead. It also feels unfair that I have to be his source of confidence when it comes to sex when my trust and confidence have been so shaken by his addiction and I’ve moved through that with my own self-work. Ideally, I’d love to work on these things WHILE we take baby steps to get back to healthy sexual connection — not having sex for months while we “work on healing” has only compounded the nervousness and lack of desire in the past. Can you help us find the right steps to move forward without getting caught in this responsive desire trap again and again?" // SUBMIT A QUESTION + CALL IN // We'd love to answer questions you have about addiction, trauma, recovery, relationships, and healing. Ask Here: https://www.therapybros.com/call-in-and-ask-a-question/ // Tyler Patrick LMFT | "The Wandering Therapist" // Free Consultation Call: https://lovestrong.com/consultation-call Love Strong | Experience Therapy: https://lovestrong.com // Brannon Patrick LCSW | "The Expert" // Brannon's Website: https://www.brannonpatrick.com Therapy Utah: https://therapyutah.org/ // COURSES // The Healing Journey: https://join.reclaimyourheart.com/ Brannon's Boundary Bootcamp: https://www.brannonpatrick.com/Boundarybootcamp Tyler's Pornography Addiction Recovery Kickstart: https://lovestrong.com/courses/overcome-pornography-addiction/ // EVENTS // Radiant Dawn | Women's Retreat: https://radiantdawn.org Rising Son | Men's Retreat: https://risingson.org Vibrant Love | Couple's Retreat: https://vibrantlove.org // Reclaim Your Heart // Join our new community for quality exclusive content, incredible courses, and real connection: https://join.reclaimyourheart.com/
